


The colour of my sky

by morikuro



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Asperger Syndrome, Autism, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, and I can't write fluff, i can't decide, it always ends up angsty, not even sorry, or - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9776804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morikuro/pseuds/morikuro
Summary: Kouyou has always wanted to see what the heaven looks like.[...]But the thing between us has never been defined. A border between friendship and relationship blurred somewhere in our mutual care and trust. Somewhere in love. Somewhere between sweet giggles and bitter sobs.[...]





	

**Author's Note:**

> Since I'm not a native speaker (and I suck at THE articles), I gotta thank my Nica for beta-reading ;-)))))
> 
> The story is from 2013

_Kouyou has always been different._

 

Ever since elemenatry school, kids were calling him strange, mocking him for his unbelivable stories, not willing to play with him. They laughed at his serious face, a worried pout, his absent doe eyes.

He was fascinating me. Ever since I saw him for the first time, sitting by his little desk in the classroom, his gaze focused on something in a mysterious spacetime behind the window glass, feet dangling freely, smiling ducks all over his feet and ankles, his endless squiriming causing rythmical tapping of wooden heels against the grey Lino floor. I took a place right next to him and watched him during the entire first lesson, and the second, and the next day, a month, the whole semester and remaining five years.

We would spend time together every passing day and no one seemed to want to break us apart. My parents were always at work, something that my little self could never understand, but managed to accept the older I grew. I have hardly seen them, the only bond between us being blood, the warmth and security fading away with every centimeter I grew up. They never scolded me when I was spending nights at Kouyou's place.  
Whenever I saw his mother, I had a feeling like all the parents were the same, like they didn't really understand how to handle the simple needs of someone who is alone in this big and foreign world, having only them as a guide. His mom seemed to avoid confronting him. She would always make us meals when she was at home, she would always give Kou everything he wanted, but her smile would never reach her eyes. All the cute toys and sweet treats made up for warmth and comfort and at that time both of us had no idea that it was only a disguise.  
Over time, I realised that we only had each other. It was in the third grade of elementary school, the moment when I left home in the morning, eager to go to school and meet the boy at the corner of the park we always crossed together. I saw Kouyou in front of my house and my heart fluttered with joy as I ran towards him to embrace his petite figure. I asked him how long was he waiting for me there.  
"Since you said goodbye", he answered with that pouty smirk of his. And I didn't realise the true meaning of his words until I saw a circle of flattened grass under our maple tree.

Whenever the sun was shining, we had our long walks. There was no place in entire city we hadn't been to. I was so amazed by Kou's ability to lead us home from every darkest nook we wandered to.  
In the beginning of our friendship, I used to ask him if he had had been in these places before. He always denied, nonetheless he would still tell me about a small cafeteria on the street corner, burned down to nothing but ashes two decades ago, or about a quiet square with a small pond which has had been there before the pointy peaks of offices grew up to jab at the sky. He would tell me about the families living in old wooden houses, now replaced by the humongous aparment buildings accomodated to the needs of constantly developing civilization. And I, as just a kid, didn't even think about questioning these stories.

Whenever it was raining, we stayed in his own little fairytale land. He was living in the biggest flat I could imagine back then and when I entered his room for the first time, it felt like walking in a different realm, like crossing the gates of Heaven, like being free.  
The walls were representing the sky, Cumuluses gradienting from baby blues to lavenders and lilacs to pastel pinks, touched with a hint of bright orange. The rugs on the milky wooden floor were just as fluffy and pastel as the sky-painted walls and they were the pools of safe ground to hang on to. I have never seen Kouyou step anywhere else outside of them, because _the white fog was a diquise to the deep deep abbyss and you had to stay on the clouds if you didn't want to fall down and break your bones as we had no wings to fly_. A toothless-nine-year-old's smile crossed my face as I grabbed his small, clammy hands and said:  
"You're my angel, you can fly. You just have to believe".  
And he believed. I could see him brighten up, his smile like a beam of light warming up my soul, and he closed his little arms around me, hugging me so tightly- _tightly_ , placing a kiss so loving that it left a round print on my cheek until the end of day. He believed.

There was no bed in his room, or even a futon. He would sleep on one of the clouds, on a big pillow, wrapped in a lilac duvet. All the furniture he had - a small cupboard, a bookstand filled with various tomes and a small closet were white and filigree, they were placed on the clouds so that they would be safe from falling down into the abyss. The nightstand was lying on its back, almost as someone had tossed it carelessly, but it was never meant to be brought back up.  
The collection of plush toys he had was all over the clouds, most of them having their liar right where he would sleep. It was his own personal zoo, a numerous one, and he could spend hours describing the animals in this family, telling me about their habits, needs and secrets.

When we were coming back into the peaceful Eden of his, he would take off his school uniform as soon as I closed the white door, describing it as grim and sad and changing into soft pastels and fuzzy socks.  
During the days of scorching summer we would hang out in shorts only, eating fruit sherbets with colorful plastic spoons matching the bowls and we would sit in front of a fan, breezes of air rustling our hair as we pretended that we could fly.  
In winter he would put on too many clothes all at once, and I couldn't guess if he was that cold or he just wanted to wear them all. I just enjoyed every moment I had him by my side, I felt blessed to look at him. He was like the most gorgeous plushie, or like a whole toy-shop, always dressed in soft hues and gentle fabrics that caressed our skin when we snuggled into each other. He smelled of cotton candy and fruit popsicles. He was like my own, sweetest confectionery.  
As the time passed, he was like a sunrise for me, like a calm, misty morning. Breathtaking. He was a person who paid attention to look and to see, taking care of smallest details of him and his surroudings, arranging hairclips in his bangs until it was perfect. He dyed his hair honey blonde and changed his glasses to colored contact lenses that allowed him to switch between the colours accordingly to his mood. He found joy in painting strands of my hair plenty shades of rainbow, a compromise after a failed attempt to convice me to dye my entire head fuchsia-pink.

We were passing other teenagers, but we never crossed our own united path with them. We were somewhere aside, in a different, parallel universe, where everything was peaceful. Where we were not running in a blind pursue after our desires, but we walked along with them. It was hard for me to explain what were we dreaming about. Maybe because we already had it?

I got a chance to notice that school was never a big deal to Kouyou and it had never disturbed his mind, the reason of his everyday attendance probably being me. During the classes he would speak up ocassionally, only about the things he was most familiar with. His knowledge never failed to impress me, his desire to learn burning in his little heart. He was the type to read me encyclopedias and dictionaries aloud and I would never grow bored of it. He was the reason of my good grades despite my lack of interest in education. At the day of our graduation, I still had no idea what was the purpose of my life. The only thing I wanted was to stay as we were. Pure.

Taking care of him was something I considered my personal duty, but never a burden. It felt like I was the one, the chosen, the only human being allowed to be near him. Providing him my protection was the meaning of my life, so I decided to get a job to be able to manhandle both of us. I didn't even get a chance to send my applications out, as I found him curled up into a ball on his pillow, crying and begging me to not leave him.  
So I stayed. I managed to get a job I could do at home, under the curtain of the night, when the Moon was peeking shyly through the window and my angel was laying there beside me-on me, sleeping so peacefully, lulled by my steady breath in and outs.  
A job was a stable ground for my decision of moving out with Kouyou. But even with hundreds of advertisements and several pages saved in bookmarks, he did not want to budge anywhere. He could not just abadon his heaven, even with my promises of taking him to a better one, that would belong only to us.  
Eventually, we stayed at the place he belonged to. We shared bills with his mother who was living in the other, bigger half of the flat. We would do the shopping, the cleaning and we would cook and eat together. We would read books in parks and watch films under blankets, when the rain was drumming crescedos on the thin window glass.

And it may seem as if our relationship was just ordinary, full of care, just like between two lovers - or maybe partners. But the thing between us has never been defined. A border between friendship and relationship blurred somewhere in our mutual care and trust. Somewhere in love. Somewhere between sweet giggles and bitter sobs. And it was not completely ordinary...

But eventually it always comes up to rain. And when Kouyou cried because of a terrifying lightning of an unexplained someone-somewhere that went straight through him, I was always there for him. I've cradled him in my arms, wanting to withold every thunder of his own sanity, when he trembled uncontrollably, when he nervously shuffled his feet, fidgeting in my embrace. A cold chill went down my spine everytime I heard his hoarse voice in the darkness, describing vivid images flashing right before his bloodshot eyes.  
Sometimes he would hide under the covers at night, squirming anxiously. I knew he had seen something disturbing in one of the dark corners and I never asked what it was, not wanting him to think about it any further. He would be afraid to come out of his safe hideout, so I would slip under the duvet too to hold him close to my chest, my fingers tracing patterns all over his back and my heartbeat singing him a lullaby to put him to sleep.

I spent hours on the Internet, analysing these situations and looking for answers, doing my research at night when he was fast asleep. I knew more than I wanted to and still not enough to find any diagnosis, or an antidote. Deciding to ask a therapist for help, I tried to persuade Kou to take an appointment, but I did not expect that it would make him burst out into tears, his voice shrill as he screamed at me to leave him alone and his palms trembling on my chest as he tried to push me away. He didn't let me say any word, locking himself up in his room and never leaving it until the next day, only to come to me in the morning, push himself into my arms like a stray cat finding his long lost home and exchange little _I'm sorrys_ with me.

I decided to try one more time, after countless hours spent with his shaky frame in my arms, after another bloody retrospections from unknown spacetime. I took him for a long walk around the city, a clinic being my destination. And when he realised where we were going, every passerby's attention landed on us, as not even my embrace, nor my insecure promises of no one hurting him could calm him down and bring his consciousness back. He slipped out of my arms, turning around abruptly, his moves unwieldy as he backed off and ran away, the impact keeping me grounded right where I was standing, unable to move, unable to catch him, hold him, take him home. I didn’t see him for almost two days, not knowing where he was, not knowing where to look for him. So I was waiting, as it was the only thing I could do, while hoping that he would come back. Balancing on the edge of misery, too helpless to do anything, I could only stare through the window, watching people passing by and trying to find him among them, the thoughts of something harmful happening to him never leaving my mind.  
And when he came back, we apologized to each other on the very doorstep, both crying, feeling guilty. I made my promise to never hurt him like that again, even though his words thrilled me to the core, punched me straight in the spot where I would keep all of my fears locked. "I fled because I knew that if I went there, would have kept me. Locked me up. Not let go. Alone. I don't want to be without you. I'm scared to be without you."  
I didn't ask how he knew that, my throat clenched with distress, his fingers digging into the) nape of my neck as he clunged to me for his dear life.

The air was getting chilly, leaves swirling in the cold wind. The night was approaching earlier, and the dawn was setting up lazier with every passing day. Fruit popicles changed to hot chocolate, short sleeves to plush sweaters with teddys on the pockets. The fall always made Kouyou as sluggish as the raindrops slowly rolling down the windows and there was no help for it. We would spend more time watching various films, reading fairytales and discussing them into late night.  
When another year ended, Kouyou caught a cold, although it rarely happened. Hot chocolate was then replaced with revitalizing tea, tootsie rolls with bitter medicine. Every evening he would crawl into his bed and I would massage a camphor ointment on his chest with loving strokes, holding up my palm on his beating heart from time to time. He would smile at me so sweetly, so brightly that I, without care and second thought, would lean down, eyes locked with his, and nib at his lips, the taste of raspberries and ginger lingering on them as we shared the softest kisses.

The winter passed soon, but Kouyou's sickness wasn’t letting go that easily. I did my best to make him stay in bed as much as possible and keep himcompany, to hear out his complains about his joints being stiff or muscles tense. Every week I would have my appointment at the pharmacy, bringing him vitamins, painkillers and medicine that did not seem to help, my pleas to visit a doctor meeting nothing but silence.

It was raining back then. It was one of those early-spring showers. We were reading one a book together, a drama, in silence and nostalgia, cuddled to each other under a baby blue blanket.  
"Don't cry, angel", I whispered, feeling a single hot droplet rolling down my palm held on his sternum protruding under the thin milky skin of his chest. I put the book down to wipe away his tears and mourn the loss of the character together, but as soon as I looked up into his eyes, I realised he wasn't crying, the drop on my hand leaving a scarlet trail, soon joined by another one that had trickled down across his pale lips and trembling chin. I jolted up a bit too abruptly, grabbing a tissue from a white wooden box he had decorated with paper roses himself. Holding it to his nose, I placed a hand on the nape of his small neck, making him bend down.  
"Shima" I muttered, aware of the fact that I shouldn't overreact to not light up any spark of panic in him, but I was too startled myself, my head full of questions about what was causing this. "It's okay, my dear. You're just tired. It's okay, It's gonna be okay", I whispered, kissing him atop of his head, trying to calm down both of us.  
The blood stopped after a few hectic moments, but Kouyou was still pale, frightened, shaky. I embraced him, kept him close to my chest and cradled him until he drew back a little, smiled at me sleepily and offered me a chocolate pudding.

Before we realised, the days got much longer, the Sun shining brighter. I would take him out for our walks, most likely to the nearest park, our trips slow and lazy, because Kou was always tired, always sleepy and he would end up complaining about his muscles getting sore from too much walking. We would usually keep quiet during our walks. Not because we had nothing to talk about, but the silence we shared was soothing and comfortable. We did not need the words, the longing stares and subtle touch leaving no bruises on his translucent skin being the only things we needed to show each other affection.  
Whenever he spoke up, I felt my insides throb with anticipation, eager to listen to the soft tone of his husky voice. However, at that time, I felt anxety crippling at my heart when he took in a breath and muttered my name with an exhale. And I had every reason to feel like that.  
"You know, Yuu..." he purred, bathing in the sun like a wild cat. I hummed, waiting for him to continue and running my hand through his hair, strands gleaming in the sunrays as if they were dusted with gold, single hairs tangling around my fingers and falling out with every stroke. "I never wanted you to take me to the doctors, because I always knew they would separate us." he said, opening his eyes to look up at me. "So don't take me to them this time either. I don't want them to tear us apart, if they're not able to do anything."  
"How come? What are they not able to do?" I asked, bringing my hand to his cheek and stroking it softly, although my fingertips felt too rough for his velvety skin. I could see him hesitate, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, the air caressing the inside of my palm.  
"Cure me. They can't cure my leukemia." he answered, his voice weak as his whole aura seemed to fade. In that very moment, I felt like someone had separated the whole world away from me with a wall of frosted glass. Barely visible, distant and unreachable. And people were looking down at us, watching me as in ragged breathes and burning tears I tried to save him, grasping at him tightly, holding him in my arms, as I rubbed his back on that bench in that park, never wanting to let him go, craving to keep every single part of him with me forever. Every strand of his hair I caressed, every patch of his skin I nibbed with my lips as we were kissing up each other's tears.

Ever since that time, we would watch every sunrise. I would wake him up with the most tender kiss, sharing my whole care, my respect and love. I would wrap him up in the blankets and lead him to the balcony. I would sit down on a pillow, holding him in my lap, tears rolling down my cheeks every single morning. And he would catch them up in silence, not letting them fall down. He would quietly sing me a song about all the smiles we shared and I couldn't accept the fact that those moments were meant to be our last. He begged me to make them perfect to the very end, just as they have always been. I tried to do this for him, forcing myself to cry less with every passing day until I was be able to smile, listening to his beautiful story of _us_ , written down in his memory like the finest fairytale.

And that day, when I woke up before the dawn and looked into his serene eyes, meeting his opaque gaze, I knew that it was it. With my throat painfully clenched and my heart throbbing, I slowly got up, wrapping him tightly in the duvet and picking him up as gently as I could. I carried him to the balcony, sitting down on the pillow and holding him in my lap. I placed his head on my chest with the most tender touch, my trembling palm slowly sliding between the hems of his open shirt, placed over the heart making its last hesitant beats.  
None of us spoke up as the clouds blushed under the gaze of Universe's eyes - the vigilant Sun and the blind Moon. His breath was barely caressing my skin and I knew that these were the last chills it had sent through my whole body. None of us cried. Why would we cry in the last moment of _our_ life?  
I felt his body tense up when he wanted to look at me, too weak to do so, his head sliding down my chest. I lifted his chin up with two fingers and I dared to look into the far-distant galaxies of his eyes. I could see how much effort it took for him to say anything, how much his half-conscious lungs struggled to take in a shaky breath.  
"Thank you for accompanying me to the very gates" he said, his voice just a mere raspy whisper, using his very last breath to form those few words that were only for me to hear. Just for me.  
When the Sun raised above the cold, sleeping city, the rosy blush faded away from _my_ sky. His eyelids fluttered close, as if shutting a gateway to this world. A lone tear slided down his alabaster cheek, and I leaned down and drank it up, as if anointing of the sick would cleanse my soul and forgive me my sins.

 

_Kouyou has always wanted to see what the heaven looks like._


End file.
